Love & Misadventure - Lang Leav

Rating: ★
23/01/14

Oh my god, I dislike it a lot,

and I don't give a damn if it rhymes or not.

Dear Byron, Plath and Baudelaire,

Oh, Pizarnik, Rimbaud and Verlaine,

What the heck is this? I'm cursing like hell.

It was a painful experience; I need some air.

** The end **

Oh, yes. I dared.

Well. I am so mad because I had high hopes for this book. Sure, I was more intrigued by the misadventure part, but still I thought I would like it.





However, I found this:

Heart on the Line
Love is good,
it is never bad - 
but it will drive you mad!

When it is given to you,
in dribs and drabs.


? What the hell is that?! Unbelievable. I feel bad for that poor tree that became paper. A bit unfair, don't you think?

Okay, another sample:

Xs and Os
Love is a game
of tic-tac-toe,
constantly waiting,
for the next x or o.


Beat that, Emily D.

Let's take a look at these other gems:

His Cause and Effect 
He makes me turn, 
he makes me toss; 

his words mean mine 
are at a loss. 
He makes me blush! 
He makes me want 
to brush and floss. 

He and I
When words run dry,
he does not try,
nor do I.
We are on par.
He just is,
I just am,
and we just are.

Beautiful
Your hand reaches for mine.
We kiss tentatively, passionately
and then, tenderly.
You brush my hair away from my face.
“You're beautiful.”
I wrinkle my nose in protest.
“You are.”

Like Care Bears vomiting sugary rainbows on Valentine's Day.

And the prose poetry doesn't get any better (Sad Songs, Dead Butterflies, Soul Mates, Angels...).

Anyway, when I was 12 or 13 years old, I had this diary filled with little poems about love and unrequited love, sighs, love, prince charming, love and more pinky pink love with a pinch of girl-pining-for-guy-ready-to-leave-everything-to-be-with-him. I remember one of those high-quality poems:

"Yes, yes" te lo digo en inglés, "piano, piano" te lo digo en italiano y lo mucho que "te quiero" ... ¡te lo digo en castellano!

That means something like: “Yes, yes”, I tell you in English, “Piano, piano”, I tell you in Italian, and how much I love you, I tell you in Spanish.

Do you see the resemblance? Leav's poems are the kind of thing I (emphasis on word “I”) would have loved when I was 12. And with this, I am not saying I am so mature and such a complex and supernaturally smart person bla blasasdssdf. I love poetry, and I know that it does not have to be all pretentious with difficult words and incredible images and erudite thoughts. But, seriously, have you read those verses I just quoted?! I was expecting something more substantial. Really. For me, it can't be all about how “you belong to me and I belong to you and now that you don't belong to me I feel empty and this truck full of ice cream won't make me feel whole again”, instead of knowing that only THINGS belong to you and you don't need another person to make you feel complete because you were not born half-a-person but whole, a whole human being, so stop eating strawberry ice-cream with that delicious whipped cream on it and move on! Just saying.

Okay. Babbling over.

Anyhow... there are some chocolates here that come wrapped with little poems inside.

And I thought those were awfully cheesy. (Oh no, I am not translating that.)

If only I had collected all those poems... Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo! A better book.

I am sorry. I don't enjoy rating books with one sad star. In fact, I don't have many one-star books. I try to find the silver lining. But in my humble opinion, there is no silver in here, and definitely no lining. It is all cloudy and foggy and with a chance of rain. However, this is just one reader's opinion. A lot of people liked this book, so go ahead and find out for yourself.

* Photo credit: Book cover via Goodreads.
Poem from Dos Corazones, Fel-Fort / quarenta

The Jane Austen Book Club - Karen Joy Fowler

Rating: ★
24/01/14

*DNF review alert. If you don't think they should exist, do not read this*

Jocelyn and Sylvia, two middle-aged women, one never married and the other crying rivers because she just got divorced; Bernadette, a sixty-seven year-old Liz Taylor; Prudie, a French teacher that shares her thoughts in French whether you speak it or not; Allegra, Sylvia's daughter, a thirty year-old lesbian who cannot get a happy relationship, and Grigg, a guy that... I don't know what to say about this choice. All these people start a Jane Austen book club.

This book starts slow and I don't think its pace ever changes (I couldn't finish this thing; I couldn't find the energy, so I put an end to this weird self-inflicted pain).

While I was reading this book, I couldn't stop thinking that if you are going to write about this outstanding author or her works, without a gram of her wit and fine humor, then please, do not do it. Save a tree and your dignity. Fowler's writing style can't get any drier. Let's be honest, some of these characters, from different points of view, experienced failure; they might be considered “losers”, though that is a harsh word so let's call them... “non-winners”. My point is, there are clever ways of describing non-winners, however, Fowler picked the dullest ways possible. They lacked development, in my opinion. Funny thing, there are many unnecessary and over-detailed anecdotes that tried to explain some... context?, but they only made me forget about the whole plot (okay, let's imagine there is a plot). So this Daria-on-Valium kind of writing really bored me. And that is a big problem for me because I prefer writing over plot. I can deal with an average plot, but the writing must be good. And this is certainly not the case.

Like I said, all these people are members of a Jane Austen book club, so you could imagine all the witty comments you will read. “No animal passion”, Allegra said about Emma. Really? Just find some Sade Book Club, there's some “animal” for you to enjoy. I found some other very insightful remarks like “Emma is a snob”. Yeah, mind-blowing.

A couple of lines later, I was reading some Jocelyn's story about tennis and yadda yadda yadda. Then, back to the book. And so on. And so on... I was lost. (Cohesion, coherence, connection?) It is a literary technique, sure, but if your going to use it, you have to be very crafty to pull that off, lady. And again, this is not the case. I was frankly annoyed by all this. And one of my rules in life (that helps me preserve my mental health) is to not force myself to read something I am not enjoying. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, really. So, if by, let's say, page 50, I feel like I couldn't care less about the whole story, then adiós.

Anyway, there is a movie based on this book. It is one of those chick-flicks you can watch on a Sunday afternoon; I didn't like it that much. Feel free to ask, "then why did you read the book?" Because I have read somewhere that the screenplay had little to do with the book. So, I thought it was going to be better.

Poor child! Let's just say that you might want to watch the movie and leave it at that. I found it much more entertaining than the book. Sacrilege, I know, but in this case, it is the sad truth.

Como Agua para Chocolate - Laura Esquivel

Rating: ★★

14/09/13

I went to a book club once, years ago, and it was Esquivel's turn. That's it. That is all I should say about this book. Because if I begin to remember everything I hated about it... Well. It will not be pretty for me. I mean, I enjoy magical realism, but not when it is so damn sappy, mushy, sentimental and other 5 synonyms that I can't come up with right now. I don't know. I guess I don't do well with such an enormous amount of melodramatic romance. It is fine when it's a well-written part of the story. But when the descriptions become so ugh... I just feel bad. 

Those 2 stars are because of its acceptable structure and, well, there's food (?). Seriously, that creative connection among the story, the food and other cultural aspects, it is kind of interesting. But the rest... I just wanted to forget it. And I successfully managed to do so. Until this review.

Damn. 

Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris

Rating: ★★
07/02/14

I've said it a hundred times: I simply love humor. Life is hard enough to be reading only serious and deep classics and not being able to have a good sense of humor at the same time. And... I've said it a million times: not everybody can be funny. It's not that easy. So, when I find a writer that can be entertaining and smart at the same time, I start this weird and awkward fangirling like I'm a teenager at a (boy band name here) concert. AND when I find a writer that can be funny at describing human nature, with all its virtues and miseries, and has that twisted, ironic, witty (awful word) writing style that I like, well, I become the biggest and most annoying fan EVER.

Having said that, I must admit I'm not a Sedaris fan. Not after reading this book, anyway. Maybe there's another one much better out there (if that exists, please, let me know).

I have to be honest, there were several problems. I couldn't connect with this book that much because there were many references I didn't get. I had to search for a lot of them in order to get the joke. And that makes the reading experience too slow and dull. Not to mention it makes me feel plain stupid. I couldn't help feeling like an outsider. Not all the time, of course. Just during some passages, I felt like I was reading private jokes. And it's okay. It's normal. It happens with that kind of books in here, too. Still, I laughed hysterically with other American writers so I thought this guy wasn't going to be an exception. (It was.)

But that wasn't the main problem. Besides the outsider kind of feeling, some of his stuff just wasn't funny. For example, there are a lot of amusing ways to say you're stupid. There's ALOT of material to work with! Well, I don't think he found the material. Not even a tool. This book had a promising start, I even said "Ha! Funny", and then it kind of went downhill for me. There are funny-ish lines all over the book, but it wasn't a hilarious read, at all. I smiled, yet I couldn't laugh. I don't care if he exaggerated/invented most of his stories; I want to laugh, damn it! And if you can't make me laugh, not even with your made up anecdotes, then, what's the point?

It was okay. I liked it... I think. I don't know what else to say.

Gah. 2.5 stars.

* Photo credit: Book cover via Goodreads.

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Rating: ★
06/02/14


"When you want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you to achieve it".  Well, I want that week of my life back (yes, a week; I ended up avoiding that thing).

The Aesop's fables that came with my chocolates brought me more inspiration than this book. I knew it wasn't my kind of thing. But, it was a recommendation, and everybody was talking about it, so I tried. He describes a couple of clichés in an annoying writing style. Dream big. Make that dream come true, no matter what. Find your treasure. Shepherd. Universe this, universe that. 

I want that week back.

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

Rating: ★★
23/06/13


This is one of those books I read after the entire solar system read it. Dear Dan and Robert were tattooed in my brain thanks to all the media and friends. Before reading it, I was out of their circle. And if today I'd still be out of their circle, it would be fine. Because I wasn't missing anything

extraordinary... A somewhat quick read (it's not that long and difficult to understand, and still, it's dense, so after a while, it feels the freaking Great Wall of China kind of long) that didn't change my life. And with that I don't mean that every book must change your life, but a little impact would be nice. Anyway, it's a fine story but, in my opinion, I repeat, in my opinion, poorly written. And this doesn't mean I could have written a better book and all that crap. I think his writing style is simple, plain; it took advantage of an interesting story in the right moment. A crazy but interesting story.

What can I say? The movie is better...